Songs About Severus
by Hippy Gypsy
Summary: Post HBP. Set to music by Maroon 5. He had become a traitor and betrayed everything that he knew. But she couldn't let go. Please Read and Review.
1. Secret

SONGS ABOUT SEVERUS

By Hippy Gypsy

Disclaimer and Author's Notes: All Harry Potter characters belong to JK Rowling, while all lyrics belong to Maroon 5. There are major HalfBlood Prince spoilers in this story, so I beg that if you haven't finished the book, do not read this. My heart truly broke with the conclusion of this book, and this is my way of saying goodbye to this stories title character. Call it closure for me, but I hope you enjoy this. It was hard for me to write this, and I hope that others who fell in love with him and were betrayed can say goodbye too.

PART I--SECRET

Something had been bothering him for so long. With his sharp exterior, he never gave me any hint of what would come. He had just become so fidgety. It was so unlike him. His whole lifestyle had changed that fall when I saw him again, and I could not understand what it was for the life of me. I thought I had him pegged for the typical hard asses I had dated in the past.

It was bad. I knew it was from the start. When I had seen him for the first time that autumn, there was something different in his voice. His demeanor became more harsh than usual, even towards me. Even in his worst moods he had never said a false or unyielding word toward me…but it had all changed.

He had asked me to leave with him, which I understood be the typical evening drive around the city. I was wrong…and he had panicked.

Watch the sunrise

Say your goodbyes

Off we go

Some conversation

No contemplation

Hit the road

"Shit," I said as I smacked the steering wheel with my fist.

"What is it?" he had asked me.

"Damn thing stalled again." I got out of my mini coupe and popped the lid, only to disappear under the hood.

A few moments later, he joined me side. "Will a spell fix it? Reparo?"

"I don't know."

Car overheats

Jump out of my seat

On the side of the highway baby

We sat on the side of the road waiting for the engine to cool, when I asked him. "Where were you taking me tonight anyways? I told you I hate surprises. Besides the fact, I'm getting really hungry."

He looked at me and his face was set in the oddest lines. "I wasn't exactly taking you to dinner, my Sun."

"Um…okay." I raised an eyebrow. "So where are we going?"

He looked out over the road and with no emotion in his voice. He replied, "I was hoping New York City."

I was nearly blasted off my feet with a mix of shock and confusion. "I don't…Severus, seriously, you've got me confused. Where the hell are we going? You don't seem to be yourself."

He bowed his head a little, as if thinking what to tell me next. I, however, was almost sure he had "popped the question" to me.

"Run away with me."

I shook my head and blinked. "Eh, what?"

"I'm leaving Britain, I'm leaving here, I'm going to America. I want you to come with me."

"What? You mean, elope?"

"If you want."

I took a step back and leaned against the car, only to discover it was still hot, scorching my hand. I pulled back letting a curse escape, and turned to Severus with great concern and curiosity in my voice. "Severus, we've been together for only a few months before you left for the summer, then you came back, what, two weeks ago? And you want to get married? This isn't like you. What's wrong with you?"

He got up and began to pace. "I-I don't know."

I watched him as he tried to hide his secret from me, but how in the world he expected me to just tolerate the fact that he was hiding something…I don't know. I began to get irritated with him. "Severus, what is it?" I finally said with some heat in my voice.

Our road is long

Your hold is strong

Please don't ever let go

He slumped his shoulders and took a breath, finally turning to me and looking me in the face. "I have a secret." I nodded, indicating I was listening and I wanted a further explanation. He did not hesitate to elaborate. "I've only told one other person, but I do need to tell you." His voice was harsh, as if somewhere deep in his throat, there was a bit of ache that he didn't want to show. "It may effect you."

I know I don't know you

But I want you so bad

Everyone has a secret

But can they keep it

Oh no they can't

"I've been giving an assignment, and it's…complicating my liaisons with the Dark Lord and Dumbledore."

"You mean He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?" I asked, my eyebrows rising further up my forehead.

Stunned was the only word I could come up with to describe myself at the moment. I knew of his role between Dumbledore and You-Know-Who, but I did my best not to get into it. I'm half muggle, and I didn't understand most of the wizard politics that surrounded his life. So I wasn't a member of the Order of the Phoenix, and I simply let myself be called his better half that no one knew about.

But the fact that somehow I was going to be brought into this picture…well, it downright scared me, and if I was going to be involved somewhere where the Dark Side was concerned, I wanted to know what I was getting into. "Tell me the truth Severus. Tell me everything now, because I only may be half-blood, and I only may spend, what, a quarter of my life in that half of this world, but I have a right to know if something is going to happen to us." I glared at him, knowing I was one of the few people who could get away with it. _"Spill your guts."_

He huffed. "Fine." He took a step toward me and his eyes bore into mine. "I was placed under an Unbreakable Vow by a woman."

This startled me. He never talked about "other women."

"What's her name?"

"Narcissia Malfoy."

"What's the vow?"

"Her son, Draco, has been given the task of finding a way to murder Albus Dumbledore. And she made me promise to make sure that her son was safe in his task."

What? "Wait!" I shouted. Anger overrode shock for the moment, and I couldn't help myself. The cars were flying by so quickly, no one heard me or even took notice of us anyways. "You mean you promised to help that little snot kill Dumbledore? After everything that old man has done for you? What's wrong with you? Why didn't you say no?"

He got angry with me for my outburst, and for once, he showed it. "I wanted to, but I couldn't!"

I wasn't going to let him go without a fight. "Why the hell not!"

"Because her bitch of a sister was standing there!"

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything Severus!"

"She didn't trust me and if I didn't do it my goddamn cover probably would have been blown!"

I'm driving fast now

Don't think I know how to go slow

Where you at now

I feel around

There you are

I pushed him. I don't know why. It didn't even do anything, but I did it. I didn't even make me feel better. But still, I wanted to do it again. I ran my hand through my hair and turned away from him, still shouting. "So what? Now you're just going to run away? Like a coward?"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

I whipped back at him, red in the face. "Well that's what you are Severus Snape! A coward! You're running away from your problems, and leaving that kid behind, and Dumbledore too!"

He suddenly became calm and lowered his voice drastically. "I'm not leaving Draco behind. I want him to come with us."

I stopped. "What?"

Cool these engines

Calm these jets

"Severus." I said his name calmly, hoping against all hope that he could see reason, but I didn't know if there would be way around it. He had his own train of thought, just as if I had my own. But I had a feeling maybe…I thought he was starting to crack up. "Severus…do you realize what you're saying? If…why…why do you want Draco to come too? I don't understand all this. I mean, I'm trying to, but…"

He bowed his head and turned from me. All would've been silent if it hadn't been for all the passing cars. "If my vow is broken to Narcissia, I will die."

I waited, not sure what to say to him. My heart and head pounded, and it seemed to do nothing but get worse. "So…so what you're saying is you want to take me and Draco and live in America?" I gave a half sarcastic laugh, which I knew wouldn't go unnoticed. "As if he won't find us?"

He turned back to me and grabbed my shoulders, squeezing them, as if he needed me to understand, not as if he were losing it.. He had gone unlikely calm. It made me unbelievably uneasy with him at that moment. "I believe I can change Draco. I think he is so…pig-headed at this point that he's letting someone guide him. It used to be his father, but…he's out of his life now. He's confused." He swallowed and leaned his forehead against mine. His voice almost seemed exhausted, but he pressed on. "He's been coming to me for advice, and I think…" He stopped a moment, considering his next words. "I think I can make him stop. I think I can get him out of here, and I want you to come with me."

I couldn't believe what he was saying. It was…stupid. "Severus…that's your plan? To take it and leave it all behind?" I stepped back and rubbed my head. I didn't understand him. I was ready to send him to Bedlam! "But it's…it's You-Know-Who. He'd look for you until he's found you! You can't escape that!"

"There won't be any of my magic to trace if we live like muggles."

I ask you how hot can it get

And as you wipe off beads of sweat

Slowly you say "I'm not there yet!"

"Oh lord. That's your brilliant plan?" For the slight moment I went lightheaded, but it didn't last long. Heat was rising in my face again.

"You don't understand it all," he said, almost pleading. "I lo-"

"Don't say it!" I snapped sticking my index finger in his face. "Just don't say it." I was angered beyond words. My voice stuttered for a good moment before I whipped around just leaving it. He tried to grab my arm, but I shook him off of me, took my keys and climbed back into the car.

"I'M NOT THERE YET!" I shouted at him.

Hope against hope, the engine started on the first turn. I sat there, watching him through the windshield, wondering if he was going to climb in with me. I had had enough of his argument. It was so unlike him, the brilliant Severus Snape, renowned Potions Master, reduced to running from his troubles. It had made me sick. I suddenly felt as if I didn't know him, and he knew it. We had divided and there was no going back over the line he had crossed.

He did not climb in the car after me. Instead, he turned on the spot and Disapparated. I drove off knowing I would probably never see him again.


	2. Harder to Breathe

SONGS ABOUT SEVERUS

By Hippy Gypsy

PART II--HARDER TO BREATHE

I kicked and screamed the morning I read of Albus Dumbledore's death. I threw things against the wall. I watched them shatter with satisfaction. There was a picture of _him_ in the Daily Prophet that morning as well. A wanted poster of a traitor. That's all he was to me anymore. _A_ _traitor_. I had branded him. And it didn't matter. I broke and destroyed everything Severus Snape had ever given me in our short months together, and I swore to myself that if I ever saw him again I would do the same to his face.

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable

So condescending unnecessarily critical

I have the tendency of getting very physical

So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

In no time at all there was a trail of glass running alongside my living room wall. Pictures, frames, wine glasses, and goblets, all in pieces. Once everything Severus had shared with me was gone, I started throwing things I knew that had belonged to him that I had never bothered to give back, nor he had asked for.

At some point he began carrying around a Remembrall. The glass shimmered red as it cracked and rained down among the carpet. He had also left an old watch, which had become tarnished with his time away. Gears flew in every direction. I couldn't get enough of smashing everything in sight. It was as if I was thirsty and I had to quench it.

But I knew I was trying to fill a void.

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here

This double vision I was seeing is finally clear

You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone

Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I'm walking on

My vision blurred in my anger and I leaned against dining room table, nearly in a faint. The heat in my face had risen so high.

Not for the first time that morning, I swore aloud. "I'm _never_ letting him back in my life," I growled. "Even if he begs on his fucking knees, I will never let that fucking _man _back in my life!"

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

I sat down, and expecting it, I had cried. I had so many memories of those short months, and I had no idea what to make of that time we had shared anymore. They were gone. He had screwed it all up. And I was the one left feeling pathetic.

The saddest part is that he had never listened to me. Yes, he had returned to Hogwarts after the last time I had spoken and argued with him, but he took the cowards' way out. He killed the man who had protected him for so long, and went back to the Dark Side.

He listened to himself then. He did run away, but not as originally planned. No, this was even worse.

Again, like the day he had asked me to marry and run away with him, my heart twisted itself.

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head

You should know better you never listened to what I've said

Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat

Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

I caught my breath as if I had suddenly felt a icy rush down my spine and those thoughts began to run through my head. I ran back to my bedroom and opened the drawer of my nightstand and pulled out something I hadn't looked at in over six months.

I had found it one night after we had made love. As he slept next to me, I had looked over the side of the bed, and I found something tangled in his black blouse, glittering and capturing my attention. It was a silver chain with a three-point Celtic knot hanging from the links. I leaned back against my pillows and examined it, allowing my fingers to rub over the top of the charm. So simple, and yet it fascinated me. It was beautiful, and even though I didn't know what it was, I found it appropriate for him nonetheless.

Severus rolled over and looked at me through sleepless eyes, a few strands of hair falling over his face. He hummed, and I looked down at him. "I thought you were asleep."

He shook his head slightly. "Restless," he whispered. He looked at my hands and blinked.

I smiled. "I found it in your shirt."

He adjusted his pillow and leaned on his side. "It was my father's…one of the only things he ever left me."

"It's really beautiful," I said. He held out his hand, and I gently placed it in his palm. "What is it?"

"It's a triquetra."

"What does it mean?"

He sighed as he examined it, trying to straighten his thoughts. We had both drank a lot of wine that evening. But oddly enough, sometimes even the drunkest thoughts can be the most sacred. "It could have two different meanings actually. Similar, but different."

"Mmm."

He held the charm between his thumb and forefinger and I leaned down next to him, our faces close, watching his delicate hands intertwine themselves throughout the chain. "The Celtic Christian church simply saw it as the three symbols of the holy trinity, as father, son, and spirit. However, it's also a charm of the Wiccan's. They saw it as the triple goddess represented by maid, mother, and crone."

I smiled lightly. "You're right. Different, yet similar."

He examined it for a long moment, and I watched the silver reflect in his eyes. The glittering made my heart skip, as if the chain itself were enchanted. He sighed, then sat up. "Turn around," he said, and he hooked the chain gently around my neck. He pulled back my long hair and kissed my shoulder when he had finished. "I believe the father has run it's course. Maybe the mother goddess will give you more luck."

I had turned back to him at that point, the words barely on my lips, threatening to escape.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up

I began to contemplate if he had ever really loved me, or even if he had ever really been happy with me. I couldn't tell if it was all a lie.

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Even if it was, I decided he was a coward for what he had done. Cowardly and traitorous. There were no other words for it. No other descriptions.

He had told me he'd loved me, but he could've asked me to wait for him. It would've been the right thing. I would have even been a widow for him in the end, if that's what it had meant. I had always thought through it all his heart would be in the right place.

But no. No. He ran.

Does it kill

Does it burn

Is it painful to learn

That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill

Does it sting

When you feel what I bring

And you wish that you had me to hold

Later that day, I swept up all of the glass and broken objects, seeing his pale face in every piece. The reflections made me sick to the stomach and I felt nauseous. It killed me to know scum like that had been in my home. It killed me that he had been in my bed…in my heart, in my mind.

I shook as I put everything right in the house again, wondering how in the world I was going to scrub whatever trace of him remained here. I didn't want to be thinking about it for the rest of my life.

It was as if the stench were remaining.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

I made a decision that day to erase everything about him from my life. I knew I would have to forgive myself for falling in love with him. And I knew just where to start.

Is there anyone out there cause its getting harder and harder to breathe

I attended the funeral of Albus Dumbledore, the man that Severus Snape had killed.


	3. The Sun

SONGS ABOUT SEVERUS

By Hippy Gypsy

PART III--THE SUN

I couldn't say those first few weeks after the funeral weren't easy. Far from. I found myself looking for ways not to think about him, even sinking to the lowest denominator.

I had a one night stand just so I could forget the way he made love to me. I made myself sick as to how bad I had let my judgment get. I knew I wasn't at his level yet, but I felt like I was catching up. Slowly, but surly. I didn't know how to get up and move on without falling over again. I think that's what seemed to hurt the most about it all.

I threw myself into my work and studies, and it seemed to keep me focused on other things besides my personal life. I tried looking at everything in a different perspective. Maybe it would make me feel happier to be me instead of that person who I was with him. It seemed to make me day dream more and more.

After school

Walking home

Fresh dirt under my fingernails

And I can smell hot asphalt

Cars screech to a halt to let me pass

And I cannot remember

What life was like through photographs

Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past

It wasn't as if I hated myself when I was with him. No. Severus and I had some wonderful times together, but I almost found it to be a sin to look back on those memories and smile. I couldn't love that time in my life anymore. It was a lament.

And sometimes it's a sad song

I was content with getting along by myself until that day I opened my mailbox and found a familiar scrawl upon the envelope. Nothing was in the return address other than a simple 'S.S. Return by owl.'

I caught my breath and sat down upon the front porch steps, reading what ever in the world he had to say to me.

But I cannot forget

Refuse to regret

So glad I met you

Take my breath away

Make everyday

Worth all of the pain that I have

Gone through

And mama I've been cryin'

Cause things ain't how they used to be

She said the battles almost won

And we're only several miles from the sun

If it wasn't for the fact that I knew what he had done, I probably would've cried and threw myself into his arms. I used to be so naive like that. His letter wasn't pleading, but merely a gothic thank you in a way.

'My Sun,

You would never allow me to call you that again with all that has happened, but I need to communicate somehow, even if I know this will be merely shredded and burned.

You were right, and I never should have run in any sense. I have had nightmares about what I have done and what I have left behind.

I should have listened to my heart rather than my brain for once, and this is where I have found myself. I have laid here for this while only to come to the conclusion that Sirius Black, James and Harry Potter, and you of course were right.

I am a coward, and I deserve whatever sentence is coming to me should I be caught.

I know this makes no sense right now, knowing that I will never know your love and touch again, but I thank you for letting me into your life for those few short months. I cannot repay the memories you have given me, something to look back on and smile when I'm not regretting my pathetic existence. Thank you for letting me be more than I am. My gratitude for that is unyielding, even if the moments did not last.

No tears can ever repay what was done, and I hope you can realize I know I have made this grievous mistake. I hope my death, which I know I will inevitably be repaid with, will bring tears of joy to some like the death of Albus brought tears of bereavement.

Thank you for loving me, even if it is now a memory.

Even though I am not in your heart, you are in mine, and…

I remain,

Severus'

Moving on down my street

I see people I won't ever meet

Think of her, take a breath

Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps

And sometimes it's a sad song

A lump formed in my throat as I sat there, and I couldn't decide if it was anger or anguish. I swallowed it down, only to feel a few tears escape from my eyes and fall onto the parchment.

I suddenly felt that I couldn't go home. I couldn't enter there alone, knowing what I knew. I walked the street, just wandering, trying to make it that I faced the wind head on so maybe the breeze could dry my tears. I didn't think I had the strength to wipe them away myself. I thought it would be hypocritical of me if I had done that, admitting he still had an effect on me.

How _dare_ he try to walk into my life again! How _dare _he put me through this! Anger over threw sorrow, and I simply damned his existence.

But I cannot forget

Refuse to regret

So glad I met you

Take my breath away

Make everyday

Worth all of the pain that I have

Gone through

And mama I've been cryin'

Cause things ain't how they used to be

She said the battles almost won

And we're only several miles from the sun

I decided after a mile of walking to stop in a café , and despite my better judgment, I began to think of everything over and over again, and what I would say when I replied to his letter. Yes, I was going to. I was going to tell him to stay out of my life forever, or however long that would be for him. I couldn't go on fretting like this. I wouldn't allow myself to do it.

I began to think maybe a dementor would suck out his soul, but maybe that wouldn't be enough for him. Maybe Draco would die, and that would simply be that. Or maybe Harry Potter would catch up with him before a Ministry official would.

And maybe his own "master" would finish him off himself.

We had been in this cafe together once, and only once. It was where I had met him. While he simply had his Earl Grey, I sat drinking a latte flavored with a mint liquor. He had never cared for mint, and it always seemed to bother me for some reason. But I shook myself coming back to reality for the moment. Why in the hell did I care? Why do I still?

"It leaves a horrible aftertaste in my mouth," he had said so long ago.

I had raised an eyebrow over my cup. "You hate mint?" He simply took a deep drink of his tea in reply. "Okay Mr. Snape. So what do you like in your coffee?"

He placed his cup down and replied, "Nutmeg."

"Nutmeg?"

"It does wonders for the palate."

I never understood the mint thing. It always made me hate him, even if just for a little, just for that simple fact that he just didn't seem…normal. I had argued it over and over to myself. Even if I didn't understand it.The rhythm of her conversation

_The perfection of her creation_

_The sex she slipped into my coffee_

_The way she felt when she first saw me_

_Hate to love and love to hate her_

_Like a broken record player_

_Back and forth and here and gone_

_And on and on and on and on_

I only read that letter twice, and the second time I did was when I returned home that evening. The first words bothered me the most.

About a week into our "relationship," he had given me the label "my sun." He had said something about me seemed to shine through on him. I told him I merely hated pet names. I had simply called him Severus, but he never let it drop. I was always his "sun."

But I cannot forget

Refuse to regret

So glad I met you

Take my breath away

Make everyday

Worth all of the pain that I have

Gone through

And mama I've been cryin'

Cause things ain't how they used to be

She said the battles almost won

And we're only several miles...

She said the battles almost won

And we're only several miles from the sun

There was no other emotion I could muster from off of that piece of parchment, and knowing I would have no regret about it, I tore it into four pieces, ignited it with my cigarette lighter, and watched his "thank you" burn away in the ash tray where he belonged.


	4. Through With You

SONGS FOR SEVERUS

By Hippy Gypsy

PART IV--THROUGH WITH YOU

To say that my letter was bitter would be an understatement. I simply let him have it.

'Traitor and coward.

That's all I can think of you anymore Severus Snape, when I give up a minute of my day to think of you at all. Because you're not in my head very long, and I'm in the process of erasing of every memory you have invaded in my mind. I hope this doesn't surprise you, because you should've been expecting it at this point.'

Can you see me  
Floating above your head  
As you lay in bed  
Thinking about everything  
That you did not do  
Cause saying I love you  
Has nothing to do with meaning it

'Speaking of memories, do you realize that in the short time we have known each other how much you have fucked with my head?

I wonder…did you ever really love me? Did you say and write those words simply because they could be said, or do you really see me in everything you say or do? Because I don't know about you, but I don't say things at random. That's called thinking it through. I had figured with your demeanor and abilities as a Potions Master you would've figured that out a long time ago.'

And I don't trust you  
Cause every time you're here  
Your intentions are unclear  
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call  
That I know will never come  
I used to think you were the one  
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all

'I hope you know that I will never allow myself to be alone with you ever again Severus, if I should even see you again in this lifetime. You're a murderer, and I don't tend to let them in my life, so don't be surprised if I never answer any letter you "feel you have to send."

You ain't ever coming back to me  
That's not how things were supposed to be  
You take my hand just to give it back  
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember  
The way we used to melt  
Do you remember how it felt  
When I touched you  
Oh cause I remember very well

'I don't know if you've know this, because who knows how much a despicable git of a human being like you knows how to, but do you know how haunting love can be? Do you know how the act of touch or embrace or sex can tear a person from the inside out when one of the people involved is not thinking? Your lack of intellect in this sense stuns me, and for that you should know you have broken my heart in knowing I will never feel that way again. I don't think you should be expecting to feel that way ever again yourself.'

And how long has it been  
Since someone you let in  
Has given what I gave to you

And at night when you sleep  
Do you dream I would be there  
Just for a minute or two do you?

'I realize we will never be together in any sense Severus and I can accept that, but you must understand, I gave you my body, heart, and mind, and though you took the life of another man, that's when you handed it all back to me tarnished with blood and anguish.

I have never suffered a broken heart this horrible before, for in the past I have bounced back, but now…'

You ain't ever coming back to me  
That's not how things were supposed to be  
You take my hand just to give it back  
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache heartache I just have so much  
A simple love with a complex touch  
There is nothing you can say or do

I called to let you know I'm through with you

'…now I realize. I'm never going to look at you the same way again. "The Sun" has set Severus Snape.

Me'

I ain't ever coming back to you

I sealed the letter and waited for the owl post to come. I didn't even watch as it carried off my response into the sunset. Good riddance.


End file.
